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Review of Sex Club:
There are big moments in everyones life that they all remember. The
first kiss. The first sticky fingered fumble behind the bike sheds. The
first slap behind the bike sheds. (All three often within seconds). The
first time you ever got up the courage to by a porn mag. Well you had
to buy it, your face was still red raw from the slap, your fingers still
had that smell, and someone had pitched a marquee in your pants.
You needed to make the most of it before it wore off (the smell as
well, as the marquee).
The problem was, which shop to buy it from. You couldn't use the
corner shop, as your mum went there everyday, and the woman
behind the counter knew you. So it was a 6 mile detour, on your bike,
to that shop owned by the asian bloke who, for someone supposedly
devoutely religious, had an amazingly large range of porn mags. You
dash in,grab a magazine, anyone would do (except I only had 50p,
so I had to have the cheapo Razzle). That's when you realise it
wasn't the old guy behind the till, but his 16 year old daughter. And
theres the snag. The blood rushes to your face, and away from other
area's, so the marquee is reduced to a single man storm tent.
How things have changed. Another one of lifes rites of passage to
manhood has fallen by the wayside. Yes the internet steps in again,
and no longer do the teens of today have to run the gauntlet of Mrs
Jones buying her weekly shopping, and the shop keepers teenage
daughter. All they have to do these days is nick the old mans wallet,
and log on to www.fwap.com.
But us old'uns have fond memories of the old classic mags, with their
easily stuck together pages. The working class Razzle and Escort.
Middle class Club and Men Only, and the hoighty toighty Mayfair,
preserve of the landed gentry. So how handy it is that all these
magazines can now be found under one roof, or rather one domain
name, on t'internet. Sexclub.co.uk brings all those boy hood
memories into one place, bar the sticky pages.
Razzle,Escort,Club,Men Only,Mayfair and, a magazine I assume is
recent as I don't recall seeing it before, Mens World can all be found
here. So how well does good old printed page translate into web
page? Well sad to say, not too well. Websites have evolved of their
own accord, to suit the ways of the web, with hyperlinks to here
there and everywhere. But the creators of Sexclub have tried force
onto it the form of the paper version.
Its best to start at the begining, so I will, all be it halfway through the
review. You start off in a virtual London Street, with neon signs
flashing 'Magazines', 'Movies' and the various other things you'd
expect from a porn site. Its fairly obvious how it all works. Click on a
shop front you'll be taken inside.
Selecting a magazine shop, your confronted with a virtual shelf, with
all the 6 magazines on show. Theres a five year archive of all the
magazines (theres an extra magazine called Soho, but that only has
two issues on show), so there should be plenty of material to keep
you browsing. Well it would if the browsing wasn't such a pain in the
arse. Select an issue from the archive, and ou come across a
digitised form of the magazine, complete with PTO (please turn
over) in the bottom corner, so you have to actually turn a page to
move along. These days you expect a photo set to be in the region
of 60 photo's, but you won't find that here. This is quite literally that
months copy of Escort on the web. Which means, you get roughly
two or three pages of photo's, which varies between 6 and 15
images, clicking on an image brings up the full size version. Well I
say full size, but the biggest they get is around the 800x600 mark,
which in itself is quite small, but passable. What isn't passable is the
quality. These are scans from the magazines, not digital originals.
Now theres some weird thinking going on here. As far as I'm aware,
nearly all professional photographers work with digital camera's. So
why the hell don't they use the original digital images, instead of
scanning the page?
Okay, so we press the PTO button to take us through the pages of
the shoot, all two of them. But whats this, theres another two pages,
but not of porn images. Nope, along with the magazine format, you
get classified ads just like you do in the real thing. At the end of every,
and I mean every, photo set you have to click through two pages of
'Hot Sex Chat' phone numbers which look just like the ones you'd
see in the old mags.
But never fear, the movies will save the day.Well, no, they won't. Any
expert on british porn will recognise almost all the models in the
video's. Vicky Powell, Kellie-Marie, Sadie Leach and sex on legs herself
Elen Cole, so the content of the movies is of the highest order.
unfortunately they're only available in that stinking bloated pile of
spyware/adware, Real Player. So not only is picture quality poor, you
can't save them for later viewing either. Trying to view them full
screen is also a test of your patience, as the only to do it is to actually
open up Real Player itself, as theres no full screen option on the page,
which then asks you for your user/pass......and everytime as it doesn't
have the option of saving your password.
Good bits, well there are some. There's a lot of material in there,
which will keep you busy for ages, mainly because of the damned
awful layout. In fact the only thing I've actually kept from the site is
some of the readers wives photo's in Escort and Razzle. Theres quite
a few photo sets of well known Brit models that I've not seen before,
but would only be of interest to the models most ardent fans. There's
also a 70's section, with some of that decades most memorable
models, although annoyingly, they're only single photo's and no full
Before I move onto the summary, special mention must made of what
I feel is a con. From the homepage, which you see before you sign up,
you get the definite impression that you would have access to the
delectable (and lickable) Jo 'I can make a man cum from 300 yards'
Guest. But you don't. You have to pay a seperate £9 for that,as you
also have to do to see the Abi Titmus lesbian video.
If your 30 or over then maybe theres some interest in travelling down
memory lane. However, as modern website there really isn't anything
to recommend this over any other site out there. If you really do feel
the need, then you should only use the trial. The site itself is barely
passable, but the feeling of being conned, and the sheer amount of
ads just leaves you with a bitter taste. The only thing to recommend
it is its fairly low price, but it wouldn't be enough to tempt me into
If your from across the pond, and most likely anywhere outside the
UK, there's very little to recommend it at all. Which is something the
site owners seem to have realised by the fact that the price plan is
entirely in pounds.
To paraphrase the J Geils Band :
My blood runs cold,
My memory has just been sold
My Angel is a badly scanned internet centerfold
One week trial: £4.95
One Month: £12.95
Half year: £64.95
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